Shut Down

My life has been shut down and not in a good way.

The last thing I wrote was about being overwhelmed. I wrote the post on January 4th. It is now the end of June.

I had plans in place on how to deal with feeling overwhelmed, and I closed out by saying I would let you know how it went. I guess since I haven’t written since January, you can see it didn’t go well.

This doesn’t mean the way I was going to move forward was faulty, it just didn’t work because I was not in the mental space to move forward.

I am not feeling creative. The creative well, so to speak, was dry.

I feel most like myself after running, photographing life, and spending time with family and friends.

I haven’t been running.

My camera battery has been dead for a while. I pulled my camera out to get a close-up of my daughter in April and it was dead. I haven’t taken the battery out to charge since.

And time with friends, well, I don’t remember the last time I did that.

So, yup. I pretty much shut down all the ways to refill my creative well.

Refilling the well is simple. I know how to refill it. I just haven’t.

My running shoes are dusty. I bought my shoes at the start of the pandemic. Typically, shoes need to be replaced every 500 miles. I am not even close to this mileage more than a year later.

Taking photos, is a passion of mine. How I really love to see the world.  I  haven’t picked up the camera. And what’s more my phone is with me almost at all times. I just don’t take photos. I wish I could say it was because I was trying to be present in my life, but that would be a lie. The thought to take photos just doesn’t even happen any more. 

And time with friends was essentially removed by the pandemic. But that really was no excuse. There are other ways to do this, and now that my state is essentially open and I am vaccinated, there is no excuse.

I have just shut down.

So, after I am done writing, I am taking my shoes out for a run. Maybe dust them off first. ?It will be slow. I promise not to judge the rate I am running and celebrate the fact I went out for the run!

And I promise to charge my camera today and to take five photos of life. Just five, not a whole series, unless I feel so inclined. I need to experience life again through a camera lens.

As for my friends, I will reconnect. I know sending a text doesn’t seem hard, but when you are shut down, it is. It gets more difficult as each day goes by to send the text. Make the phone call. But I will send the text today.

And then maybe, just maybe, I will start to feel more like myself and start living again.

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