I seem to have lost my voice. Not my real voice, my family can attest to the fact I can indeed speak, but I just haven’t had anything to say.
I am not certain what happened. I think it happened when I took a solo trip out to California in February! I know! Four whole months have gone by and I just haven’t had anything to say!
It was the first time I had traveled alone for any length of time. I was essentially, on my own for 5 days. Five days without knowing a single person to have a conversation with.
I am pretty introverted and never really thought about needing to have someone to talk to. I spend a good amount of time having full-on conversations in my head! You know, the things you wish you had said to someone. The conversation I want to have with my boss. The things I would love to talk with my children about.
So, I hadn’t really thought about it being a big deal to not have anyone to talk to at the end of the day. To not have anyone to discover the trails at Lands End in San Francisco! I always spend so much time taking photos, and I am always way behind my husband or family whenever we travel, that I just didn’t think it would matter.
Oddly, it did. I didn’t mind being on my own. I didn’t mind picking the restaurants or deciding how I wanted to spend my day. I would definitely rather travel on my own than to have not made the trip.
But what I am really discovering, is that I missed connecting with people. Specifically, my husband or kids when they travel with me.
There is something to be said for shared experiences. For looking through each other’s photos and remembering the fun you had. Or complaining about all of the stairs on your hike. It just isn’t the same when no one is there to share it with you.
And so, it seemed, when I came back, I just didn’t have much to say.
The San Francisco bay area is an amazing place. The few times I have been, just make me want to go back again. There is no place quite like it.
I’m not entirely certain it was the solo travel or the conference I went to which was the final nail in my lack of ability to sit down and write.
It was an amazing conference filled, amazing speakers and I learned a ton. I also came back more energized to move forward with my project I have been working on. I don’t think it was a comparison type of thing, but I just keep thinking I should be further along than I am. I should be able to figure things out faster than I am.
It is strange working on a project on your own. Unlike at work, where I have people to ask questions of, it is just me. I need to find out solutions to things I just don’t seem to know enough about.
And then I start down the rabbit hole of not enough! I don’t have enough content completed! I don’t know enough! It isn’t prefect enough! Don’t we all want our projects to be perfect?
And so, it appears I have been stuck in my head without anything to say. Trying to push through the “not enoughness” and get my project ready for the world!
And what I should know from writing, when I was writing, is that for the most part, you can “post” things out into the internet and no one will know. It is both a blessing and a curse that you can spend hours writing and researching an article for a blog, and crickets.
WordPress shows no views on your post, Google Analytics show no one visited your website. So, knowing that the likelihood that anyone will stumble upon my project if I launch the final part today, are slim, why don’t I just do it? What am I really afraid of?
I am here writing this morning, admitting to my “not enoughness”.
I know this is not a word, because my spell correct keeps changing it, but it seems to fit what I am feeling, so I’m keeping it! I know most likely no one will read this, and that’s okay, because it reminds me to just launch! Everything can be made better in the future. This isn’t a life or death thing. It is just me, trying to help out other people.
And I also need to remember, that God didn’t make me or anyone to play small. For me, this means I need to get over myself and just find my voice. Find in myself the confidence to know I am enough. It is time to do what I was called to do.
I will end this by saying, I was texting with a friend and former coworker and I admitted my fear in doing this. She simply texted back “you got this girl.”
For all of you who have lost your voice or yourself, dig deep. Reach out to your friends. And go out and do that thing you want to do.
You got this!